My love life

I thought since this is after all a blog dedicated to love I should share my personal experiences with it. Love I believe is an innate trait given to us only to be molded, destroyed and/or grown in its perplexity of how we view it and feel it. From the moment I saw boys I knew I loved them no question about it. My journey from preschool to the eighth grade consisted of me pursuing a vast number of boys with letters and friends asking them to be my boyfriend. A concept I never actually grasped until college.


I did have a few special loves during my blind little girl years. There was one boy in elementary who stole my heart and friendship. He was as tall as me (which wasn't that tall),had dark hair and was the smartest kid in class. We would play Zorro and sit in the tunnel and discuss the existence of God and why we thought he was a swell guy. We never kissed or held hands but I knew I liked him as a friend and I would always keep a spot in my heart for him. It was a sad lonesome day when he finally left our school. He had done so before but had come back this time I did not see him again.


My infatuation with guys continued. As with any other nerdy ridiculous looking self conscious pre-teen I was in love with the idea of having love. I wanted to be swept away by my knight in shining braces. I tried hard to look right and act right. I had a few day boyfriends but I was always too nervous to talk to them after or hold their hands. I had a particular fondness for one boy. It was more of a creepy regrettable obsession. I wrote his name everywhere and mistakenly confessed my love for him. Those were some of the most terrible days. They were terrible at home and terrible at school. No one fits in anywhere at that time.


I did as i mentioned before have two "boyfriends". The first one was out of peer pressure. I did not like him. I just remember my friends saying he and I should go out because we are both shy. Terrible mistake right there. We never spoke a word to one another after that point. Not even when i broke up with him. I sent the army of ladies in to do my dirty work. My second "boyfriend" lasted a week and did talk to me. Oh how i regret that one. We would walk around the trailers, our school rooms, at lunch and chat. I never dared to hold his hand. It scared me. He was also a boyfriend out of pressure. They wouldn't leave me alone until i agreed to the relationship. A week later on the first annual pajama day i ended the relationship via friends and continued my infatuation with name boy previously mentioned.


I didn't date in high school and i quit my name writing obsession. I had  one crush in high school. I had hopes that maybe we would date. We chatted everyday and wrote notes to one another. My friend ended up taking him to prom and rubbing it in my face. Talk about a friend. As it happened some extenuating circumstances beyond my control occurred and we grew apart.


When I turned 18 and entered college I had my first boyfriend. It was unreal for a year. We stayed together for about three years total. He was an okay guy we seemed to get along. He used my past against me to get what he wanted from my body. It ripped a hole inside of my being. I gave in so obviously i wanted it to i guess. What happened at the one year mark was life changing. I am going to withhold details but it changed my whole image of him and our relationship turned empty and became broken held together by thin strings. The strings were slowly plucked through time. The final straw came to me having to be better than a video game. It made me feel worthless and like a worthless piece of trash waiting there for him to get his kicks with. I finally sort of ended it. We took a break and i being a dumb girl decided that that meant no talking what so ever. He found another girl soon after. I decided since he did that i would just tell him i didn't want to get back together. Worst night of my life among others. He told me he didn't care anymore about me and it made me feel even more worthless than before. i was really upset and hate people seeing me cry so i yelled at him to leave me alone he took it as me telling him to get out of his apartment and took off. The worst part was i couldn't immediately get away because i  had locked my keys in my car with no spare. I had to wait for my step sister and her date. That was the longest most torturous wait of my life.


After that i dived into my studies. I focused on it 24/7. Occasionally going out with my best friend for girls nights. I became the opposite of everything I wanted to be at that age.I haven't been interested in anyone since until recently. I will leave that for another post it requires more details and this post is long enough. Until next time AUF WIEDERSEHEN!!!!

Poison by me

I'm going to taint  you with my poison
I'm going to feed it through your veins
Your heart is going to falter
and your mind is going to change.

I will feed you your sweet treat.
Your body will succumb.
Your eyes will grow bigger as I grow small.
With each dose you knees will weaken
and your breath will slow.
Until at last you are no more.

I have destroyed you with my venomous kisses.
Your beauty and innocence swallowed up within me.
Staying only as a memory.

You have been saved

So tonight was supposed to go spectacular. Date night followed by a kiss and who knows what else. Well the plan fell through. My date was a no show. No texts no show no nothing. I had built myself up for over a week planning and plotting what to do, say, act and be. My week revolved around this one event.

After the date fell through harshly I didn't know what to do. I was depressed, angry and just plain fed up. I wanted to just go to bed and sleep through the turning of the year. I even contemplated buying some alcohol to wash it all down. That's when I decided I was being ridiculous. Just because I wasn't going to have a date didn't mean i had to sit alone and lie in my self loathing. I decided to attend the masquerade ball my coworker invited me to.

I was still miserable. I'm pretty sure the people could feel it resonating off of me even though i was wearing a mask to hide it. Nobody was asking me to dance i didn't know anybody either. Life seemed shittier than ever. I almost left to go back to my one man pity party but decided since i paid for it i was staying.

The night seemed to drag on and midnight passed with a dull note. Then I decided to dance with this one guy. It was one of my favorite slow songs, "Angels Lead You In" by Jimmy Eat World. I kept apologizing for my missteps and saying I was a terrible dancer. When he told me your only as terrible as the amount of fun you are having. That's when it clicked. Yes i had no one there but i had myself and the music. From that point on the dance was one of the best times i have had in a long time.I danced to the music the way i wanted not worrying about how i looked or who was looking. I was free.

I had two other epiphanies. The first occurred when talking about resolutions with a dancing partner. He told me his and I thinking of things I want to do in life blurted out to travel to a different country. I began to think about it in depth and discovered that i have the world. It is waiting for me to grab it and discover it for its' entirety. The world can't wait for me to finish my plans life is going to happen whether or not i'm present and accounted for. It's time for me to join it.

My last and greatest epiphany of the night came with of course the last song. It goes along with one of my earlier ideas in my blog. We are all just living in moments. I extend this theory to others. You are not just living in your moments you are living in others' moments also. You can feel them and engulf them into your being. I was a little sad because it was the last dance and as usual no one had asked me to dance. I wasn't too sad just ho hum. This couple by me  were dancing so elegant, brisk and smooth. You felt the emotion of the dance and essence portrayed in the song. As I glanced around the room I noticed that each couple was creating a moment and memory. A feeling of being close to someone and of gaining something that just isn't attainable in everyday life. They were gaining a sense of their being and the others in the tiny circle. A blimp for each  couple bursting and building with each word uttered to one another. I can gain and feel  a moment by observing . A learning tool i will never forget.

Here's to another day, another year and many more moments.
Happy New Year