I thought since this is after all a blog dedicated to love I should share my personal experiences with it. Love I believe is an innate trait given to us only to be molded, destroyed and/or grown in its perplexity of how we view it and feel it. From the moment I saw boys I knew I loved them no question about it. My journey from preschool to the eighth grade consisted of me pursuing a vast number of boys with letters and friends asking them to be my boyfriend. A concept I never actually grasped until college.
I did have a few special loves during my blind little girl years. There was one boy in elementary who stole my heart and friendship. He was as tall as me (which wasn't that tall),had dark hair and was the smartest kid in class. We would play Zorro and sit in the tunnel and discuss the existence of God and why we thought he was a swell guy. We never kissed or held hands but I knew I liked him as a friend and I would always keep a spot in my heart for him. It was a sad lonesome day when he finally left our school. He had done so before but had come back this time I did not see him again.
My infatuation with guys continued. As with any other nerdy ridiculous looking self conscious pre-teen I was in love with the idea of having love. I wanted to be swept away by my knight in shining braces. I tried hard to look right and act right. I had a few day boyfriends but I was always too nervous to talk to them after or hold their hands. I had a particular fondness for one boy. It was more of a creepy regrettable obsession. I wrote his name everywhere and mistakenly confessed my love for him. Those were some of the most terrible days. They were terrible at home and terrible at school. No one fits in anywhere at that time.
I did as i mentioned before have two "boyfriends". The first one was out of peer pressure. I did not like him. I just remember my friends saying he and I should go out because we are both shy. Terrible mistake right there. We never spoke a word to one another after that point. Not even when i broke up with him. I sent the army of ladies in to do my dirty work. My second "boyfriend" lasted a week and did talk to me. Oh how i regret that one. We would walk around the trailers, our school rooms, at lunch and chat. I never dared to hold his hand. It scared me. He was also a boyfriend out of pressure. They wouldn't leave me alone until i agreed to the relationship. A week later on the first annual pajama day i ended the relationship via friends and continued my infatuation with name boy previously mentioned.
I didn't date in high school and i quit my name writing obsession. I had one crush in high school. I had hopes that maybe we would date. We chatted everyday and wrote notes to one another. My friend ended up taking him to prom and rubbing it in my face. Talk about a friend. As it happened some extenuating circumstances beyond my control occurred and we grew apart.
When I turned 18 and entered college I had my first boyfriend. It was unreal for a year. We stayed together for about three years total. He was an okay guy we seemed to get along. He used my past against me to get what he wanted from my body. It ripped a hole inside of my being. I gave in so obviously i wanted it to i guess. What happened at the one year mark was life changing. I am going to withhold details but it changed my whole image of him and our relationship turned empty and became broken held together by thin strings. The strings were slowly plucked through time. The final straw came to me having to be better than a video game. It made me feel worthless and like a worthless piece of trash waiting there for him to get his kicks with. I finally sort of ended it. We took a break and i being a dumb girl decided that that meant no talking what so ever. He found another girl soon after. I decided since he did that i would just tell him i didn't want to get back together. Worst night of my life among others. He told me he didn't care anymore about me and it made me feel even more worthless than before. i was really upset and hate people seeing me cry so i yelled at him to leave me alone he took it as me telling him to get out of his apartment and took off. The worst part was i couldn't immediately get away because i had locked my keys in my car with no spare. I had to wait for my step sister and her date. That was the longest most torturous wait of my life.
After that i dived into my studies. I focused on it 24/7. Occasionally going out with my best friend for girls nights. I became the opposite of everything I wanted to be at that age.I haven't been interested in anyone since until recently. I will leave that for another post it requires more details and this post is long enough. Until next time AUF WIEDERSEHEN!!!!
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