I Like the Look of Me

So random thought time. The other day i was walking to the back room to finish my work day when i happened to glance up and see myself standing in one of the mirrors in our clothing department. I didn't think gee i look great or other thoughts like that. I had been thinking all day about mothers with thier children and husbands. Many look happy but many also look faded and worn. They are not who they are they are mom and wife. The only thing i did notice in the mirror was me being alone. The thought did not make me sad or depressed as many people would be. The idea made me excited and proud. I am standing on my own and my reflection shines back an independent, determined and courageous soul. I know i have not fought all the battles there are but for that moment i enjoyed seeing through outside eyes that i am okay on my own.

Time for a heart to heart

Since i have stopped posting consistently there has been a lot going on. There has been many shifts and changes in plans. Some step backs and some tiny triumphs. I believe through all of it though i have gained a new me. This is all going to sound cheesy but if you don't like it OH WELL it is an idea i must express.

The idea occurred to me on my hike today. I was looking over Logan, Utah a place that has unconventionally become a second home. My friends are like my family and the town feels just right. I have been upset as of late because i am unsure whether or not i am going to have to leave it before planned. As I stared out over the valley i realized that this is just a chapter in my life. A chapter full of fun, mystery and pain. I will fight to get every last drop of worth from it but as with any writer one must know exactly when to end that chapter.

When writing a novel or a short story you must know when enough is enough. Sometimes things are cut short and go in an entire different plan then intended or thought. You can try as hard you might to predict the story  to come but in the end the heart must flow and guide your life.

Since this blog is supposed to be dedicated to love let relate the same concept to relationships. Each relationship is a chapter possibly leading up to marriage (THE END HAPPILY EVER AFTER ETC..) if you believe in that sort of nonsense. With each relationship you become a little more interesting a little more developed in character. Here is the catch though you must know when to end that chapter. Yes he broke up with you or maybe he is just a big jerk treating you crappy.  Know when to let go and start a new one. Hanging on for eternity is going to bore your reading audience as well as you. Try reading book two of the Twilight series seriously. Read that and you will forever know when it is time to let go and start a new chapter as a independent amazing single lady.

Make your life a novel worth reading.

Lost

Alright so if you read my day after dooms day post you will be aware i was seeing someone. You would also know i thought he was beyond amazing. Well time for an update on the status. The deeper relationship is no longer.

We had to end things for reasons beyond typical relationship issues. It devastated me and left me feeling oddly enough filled. When i last had a conversation like the one we had with some one i just felt empty and emotionless. I feel cruel for being that way but it is who i am.

We decided to stay friends which i have no clue how to do. I tried so hard to not cry or just collapse in front of him but i'm pretty sure my stupid eyes couldn't hide my tears. We played a card game after which odd enough i found really comforting.

After a while i just couldn't take it anymore and  in a way kicked him out. My mind couldn't stop buzzing with thoughts. What are we going to be and where are we going to go? Am i going to find anyone else like him? Is it even possible to find another person as perfectly imperfect as he is? As soon as i sat in my car all i could do was cry. Every time i thought of his name or said his name it felt like my heart was jumping up in my throat in pain trying to release its self from my body.

For the past week i have been depressed and my mind still will not shut up. I want to be cruel and i want to be greedy. I want to have him back here with me but i know if i asked that of him it would make me feel ten times worse because of the possible consequences. I just want him to be happy even if i have to sacrifice my heart.

Silly thought every single country song now makes sense. All they sing about is heart break and now i have it. Maybe one day it will be better but i'm not counting on it any time soon. I just hope he is happy and keeps making the world a better place with his amazing contagious smile.

Thoughts on Valentines

As of this moment i am in utter confusion. Here is my Valentines story. I rang it in in quite a festive way. Me and some of my roommates decided to make it party Monday. We drank our faces off i n  other words. It was amazing, crazy and disgusting all at the same time. My anxiety about a card i made for someone i'm seeing was completely gone. The next morning i still felt and tasted like i was drunk. I didn't wake up for a while. After i did i was actually highly rested. YAY for passing out.

When he finally arrived he gave me a super cool gift card which is going to prove very useful in the long run. I felt so cheesy and weird giving him mine. The skittles he loved the card i think it freaked him out. I know it freaked me out. We took a walk, came back and began to just rest. After a while we decided to play Uno and Phase 10. It was amazing me, him and Kaitlin just chumming it up.

I had also planned a dinner which honestly was about the most amazing dish i have made. The fun part about was him helping me. It was so weird and he was so helpful. It astonished me how smooth it went. The sauce though proved too spicy. The rest was great though i did forget to grab the garnish of the pomegranate seeds.

The whole day was just spectacular even though we did nothing spectacular. I think the thing that did make it spectacular was him. I'm aware this is very uncharacteristic of my man hating ways. He is just something different and special. He takes into account my whole being not just my body. Most of all he makes me smile without even having to try.  I'm going to stop there before i become too girly.

More Valentines Love Spells

Here are a few more love spells for your Valentines Eve. Have fun with them.

Ingredients

Yarrow

Pillow

When: Before bed

Directions: Place the yarrow under your pillow at night. The first person you see you will marry. Better make sure a hot man is coming by your door.

Ingredients

Cemetery with a church

When: St.Valentines eve

Procedure: Visit the cemetery on Valentines Eve circle the church twelve times. When you finally go to bed you will dream of you future man.

Ingredients

Your crushes window

Wind

When: Full moon

Procedure: Go under your crushes window and whisper their names three times into the wind. either they will fall in love with you or catch you and you will gain a new restraining order.

Ingredients

Seven stars

When: Seven consecutive days

Procedure: Count seven stars for seven nights. The eighth day the person you shake hands with you will marry. So make sure are not meeting with anyone for an interview first thing in the morning.

Resource:http://www.new-age.co.uk/valentines.htm

THE BIG DAY

Men this post specifically goes out to you. I watched a movie called I hate Valentines Day today. It was hilarious but had a message which every guy should learn. A woman does not care about what your gesture of love is it is the fact that you make it. You take the time to be vulnerable for a moment and it shows that she is equally allowed to be vulnerable. To take a chance on you and let her heart go. The simplest thing you can do is say what you feel or pick a dandelion for her. Something that shows her you are thinking about her. The simple things are the best things in life.

Last day until doomsday

Here it is, Valentines Day. The day is making me cringe in a good way. I don't quite understand it though. For the last week or so I have been looking forward to it. This is not me usually I loathe the day and dread it. This year I want it to come and I feel like maybe this will be a day of change for the better. I feel like a robot that has been given a code that does not compute. I have made a card and a present for someone I have been seeing. It is completely cheesy and weird. I wish things like feelings were easy to understand and accept. Sorry this post is just my random thoughts but i had to get them out there.

Valentines day fun!! WHAT?!?!

So to build up to the treacherous day looming near I am going to tell you of some world traditions. I found one all you anti valentine fellows like me would love. In France young and old unmarried people would be forcibly paired. They would met in a house and do what is called drawing out. The act of drawing out is basically doing a come hither. The pair would face other calling to one another and then work their way to the window. If the man did not like her he ditched the lady. The heartbroken ladies would meet up for a bonfire and burn the images of their man. Also at this time they were allowed to yell obscenities and curse their match. Because of the cruel uncanny nature of a scorned woman's wrath the French government had to ban the pairing and calling tradition.

Today elegant cards called cartes d'amities are given out. I much rather prefer the bonfire tradition. I have preformed one of these bonfires fueled by the likes of love letters an pictures of my once boyfriend. I found it quiet relaxing and therapeutic. It was as if he was officially gone from my life once and for all. I believe the tradition of randomly being paired with a fellow would be interesting and exciting for a day and maybe the hopes of screaming and burning the strangers picture in a bonfire would be even more enticing.

Resources
http://www.stvalentines.net/frenchvalentines.htm

I put a spell on you!!!

Alright time for some fun boys and girls. I thought since the intensity of the Valentines day is approaching we could explore the magical side of love. I'm not meaning what your thinking i am referring to love spells. I thought it would be interesting to explore the dark side.

Easy love spell
Ingredients: Pen, white paper, pink candle and one aching hungry heart.
When: Friday night.
Procedure: Light the candle and write on the paper your first name and your lovers last name. draw a circle around the names and focus on what you want for you two. Once you have thought about it good and hard chant three times "Our fate is sealed, We are one, So mote it be, It is done!". Think about your loved one for fifteen minutes at least while watching the candle. Repeat for seven days each night.

I think it may just be me but i find this ritual a little creepy and a bit like my seventh grade notebooks. His name my name me drooling about him. I think i was just missing the pink candle.

Here is a more discrete love spell.
Ingredients: one white votive candle
When: Friday night because you don't have a date anyways.
Procedure: Light the candle  and proceed to chant "May this flame of passion burn within your heart, from me you will not part with harm to none so mote- it is done!". Now for the boring part sit and think about your love until the candle burns out. DON'T HELP IT ALONG!!

I find this a little less creepy. It is more asking a little bit of permission the will of the lover to bend your way.

Making Prince charming
This one is all about mind power so your like a Jedi but your using the force for ridiculous purposes.  I believe there should be a force patrol officer. Yoda would suffice. Alright here is the procedure: Create a visual in your mind of your perfect mate and think about it constantly. Make a relationship collage of of aspects in a relationship that are important to you. Visualize your future with them. Write everything down add your needs and wants. Put it where you will often see it like on the cover of "The Notebook" or possibly the chocolate ice cream inside your freezer. Focus on it often devote all your energy to it say it out loud etc. You will be so caught up in the list that you will find everything or absolutely nothing in the next person you meet.

How to be a gold digger witch style
Ingredients: 1 gold colored candle, benzonin oil, white sugar and a string of pearls.
When: Thursday on a full moon
Procedure: roll the candle in oil and sugar and dry. Place in a candle holder and wrap the pearls around the bottom. Light the candle and chant " Show your love in ways I can see with harm to none, so mote it be!".

Valentines themed spell
Ingredients: One valentines day card, pen, one candle ( red or pink) and one underwear drawer.
When: Valentines day
Procedure: Write name and desire on card. Use the candle to seal the envelope with wax. Put it in your undie draw and wait four months.

Here is your last treat kids and it is a doozy.

How to make Zac Eferon love you..i'm sure this would work with Justin Beiber also....FACE PALM
Ingredients: Photos of Zac/Justin, Zac/Justin doll, a photshopped picture of you two together, a tea candle/male shaped candle, anointing oil and a rose quartz crystal.
When: After watching high school musical.
Procedure: carve into the candle or write on a paper Blank(whom ever you obtained a doll and pictures of) loves Your name. Create an alter using the items. Hold the crystal in your hands and proceed to dance like an idiot around the altar. Make sure you have locked the doors and are blasting the beloveds music.  Chant three or more times " ZAC EFERON (change if needed)...Oh, your gorgeous face I wish to hold you in my sweet embrace. May the goddess bring your soul to me because you and i were meant to be.So mote it be!"  Let the candle burn for thirty minutes after and concentrate on loving your hunk. Blow it out and wear the crystal until you meet your man....NEVER.

If you take offense to any of this oh well. It is interesting what people are willing to do for love. It makes me question the power it actually holds over the world and why. If you would like more love spells here is the resource of where i found all the ones posted. Have fun and enjoy don't take these things to seriously. http://www.everythingunderthemoon.net/love-spells.htm

Dooms day is upon us!!!

Yes folks Valentines day is here...again. Lets bring out the gooey eyed people and bleeding hearts. The history behind this day is a bit interesting. Claudius II banned marriage and Christianity. Claudius believed marriage made the soldiers weak because many hesitated in leaving their families. Claudius also believed he should be the one true god to be worshiped.
As you can imagine Valentine was a saint at the time and disagreed with Claudius. He performed marriages in secret along with sermons. Valentine was caught and sentenced to death. He was beat, stoned and decapitated. His story is not so tragic. Whilst he was jailed he fell in love with the jailer's daughter. His final letter to her was signed with the connotation "From your Valentine". He was killed on February 14th so in turn we celebrate the ideals Valentine stood for, we celebrate love.
I don't believe it's a bad thing to rejoice about. My issue with Valentine's day as with many other holidays is the over play on the simple idea. Things are blown out of proportion for one day. If you don't get a Valentine you feel insufficient as a human being. It's a day where chance and fate seem to be amplified but only because we all have a desire how ever small it is that someone will take a chance. Valentines day becomes a lie of everything Valentine fought to provide for the common man.

RESOURCES
http://www.lhmint.org/valentines/story.htm

My love life

I thought since this is after all a blog dedicated to love I should share my personal experiences with it. Love I believe is an innate trait given to us only to be molded, destroyed and/or grown in its perplexity of how we view it and feel it. From the moment I saw boys I knew I loved them no question about it. My journey from preschool to the eighth grade consisted of me pursuing a vast number of boys with letters and friends asking them to be my boyfriend. A concept I never actually grasped until college.


I did have a few special loves during my blind little girl years. There was one boy in elementary who stole my heart and friendship. He was as tall as me (which wasn't that tall),had dark hair and was the smartest kid in class. We would play Zorro and sit in the tunnel and discuss the existence of God and why we thought he was a swell guy. We never kissed or held hands but I knew I liked him as a friend and I would always keep a spot in my heart for him. It was a sad lonesome day when he finally left our school. He had done so before but had come back this time I did not see him again.


My infatuation with guys continued. As with any other nerdy ridiculous looking self conscious pre-teen I was in love with the idea of having love. I wanted to be swept away by my knight in shining braces. I tried hard to look right and act right. I had a few day boyfriends but I was always too nervous to talk to them after or hold their hands. I had a particular fondness for one boy. It was more of a creepy regrettable obsession. I wrote his name everywhere and mistakenly confessed my love for him. Those were some of the most terrible days. They were terrible at home and terrible at school. No one fits in anywhere at that time.


I did as i mentioned before have two "boyfriends". The first one was out of peer pressure. I did not like him. I just remember my friends saying he and I should go out because we are both shy. Terrible mistake right there. We never spoke a word to one another after that point. Not even when i broke up with him. I sent the army of ladies in to do my dirty work. My second "boyfriend" lasted a week and did talk to me. Oh how i regret that one. We would walk around the trailers, our school rooms, at lunch and chat. I never dared to hold his hand. It scared me. He was also a boyfriend out of pressure. They wouldn't leave me alone until i agreed to the relationship. A week later on the first annual pajama day i ended the relationship via friends and continued my infatuation with name boy previously mentioned.


I didn't date in high school and i quit my name writing obsession. I had  one crush in high school. I had hopes that maybe we would date. We chatted everyday and wrote notes to one another. My friend ended up taking him to prom and rubbing it in my face. Talk about a friend. As it happened some extenuating circumstances beyond my control occurred and we grew apart.


When I turned 18 and entered college I had my first boyfriend. It was unreal for a year. We stayed together for about three years total. He was an okay guy we seemed to get along. He used my past against me to get what he wanted from my body. It ripped a hole inside of my being. I gave in so obviously i wanted it to i guess. What happened at the one year mark was life changing. I am going to withhold details but it changed my whole image of him and our relationship turned empty and became broken held together by thin strings. The strings were slowly plucked through time. The final straw came to me having to be better than a video game. It made me feel worthless and like a worthless piece of trash waiting there for him to get his kicks with. I finally sort of ended it. We took a break and i being a dumb girl decided that that meant no talking what so ever. He found another girl soon after. I decided since he did that i would just tell him i didn't want to get back together. Worst night of my life among others. He told me he didn't care anymore about me and it made me feel even more worthless than before. i was really upset and hate people seeing me cry so i yelled at him to leave me alone he took it as me telling him to get out of his apartment and took off. The worst part was i couldn't immediately get away because i  had locked my keys in my car with no spare. I had to wait for my step sister and her date. That was the longest most torturous wait of my life.


After that i dived into my studies. I focused on it 24/7. Occasionally going out with my best friend for girls nights. I became the opposite of everything I wanted to be at that age.I haven't been interested in anyone since until recently. I will leave that for another post it requires more details and this post is long enough. Until next time AUF WIEDERSEHEN!!!!

Poison by me

I'm going to taint  you with my poison
I'm going to feed it through your veins
Your heart is going to falter
and your mind is going to change.

I will feed you your sweet treat.
Your body will succumb.
Your eyes will grow bigger as I grow small.
With each dose you knees will weaken
and your breath will slow.
Until at last you are no more.

I have destroyed you with my venomous kisses.
Your beauty and innocence swallowed up within me.
Staying only as a memory.

You have been saved

So tonight was supposed to go spectacular. Date night followed by a kiss and who knows what else. Well the plan fell through. My date was a no show. No texts no show no nothing. I had built myself up for over a week planning and plotting what to do, say, act and be. My week revolved around this one event.

After the date fell through harshly I didn't know what to do. I was depressed, angry and just plain fed up. I wanted to just go to bed and sleep through the turning of the year. I even contemplated buying some alcohol to wash it all down. That's when I decided I was being ridiculous. Just because I wasn't going to have a date didn't mean i had to sit alone and lie in my self loathing. I decided to attend the masquerade ball my coworker invited me to.

I was still miserable. I'm pretty sure the people could feel it resonating off of me even though i was wearing a mask to hide it. Nobody was asking me to dance i didn't know anybody either. Life seemed shittier than ever. I almost left to go back to my one man pity party but decided since i paid for it i was staying.

The night seemed to drag on and midnight passed with a dull note. Then I decided to dance with this one guy. It was one of my favorite slow songs, "Angels Lead You In" by Jimmy Eat World. I kept apologizing for my missteps and saying I was a terrible dancer. When he told me your only as terrible as the amount of fun you are having. That's when it clicked. Yes i had no one there but i had myself and the music. From that point on the dance was one of the best times i have had in a long time.I danced to the music the way i wanted not worrying about how i looked or who was looking. I was free.

I had two other epiphanies. The first occurred when talking about resolutions with a dancing partner. He told me his and I thinking of things I want to do in life blurted out to travel to a different country. I began to think about it in depth and discovered that i have the world. It is waiting for me to grab it and discover it for its' entirety. The world can't wait for me to finish my plans life is going to happen whether or not i'm present and accounted for. It's time for me to join it.

My last and greatest epiphany of the night came with of course the last song. It goes along with one of my earlier ideas in my blog. We are all just living in moments. I extend this theory to others. You are not just living in your moments you are living in others' moments also. You can feel them and engulf them into your being. I was a little sad because it was the last dance and as usual no one had asked me to dance. I wasn't too sad just ho hum. This couple by me  were dancing so elegant, brisk and smooth. You felt the emotion of the dance and essence portrayed in the song. As I glanced around the room I noticed that each couple was creating a moment and memory. A feeling of being close to someone and of gaining something that just isn't attainable in everyday life. They were gaining a sense of their being and the others in the tiny circle. A blimp for each  couple bursting and building with each word uttered to one another. I can gain and feel  a moment by observing . A learning tool i will never forget.

Here's to another day, another year and many more moments.
Happy New Year