Lost

Alright so if you read my day after dooms day post you will be aware i was seeing someone. You would also know i thought he was beyond amazing. Well time for an update on the status. The deeper relationship is no longer.

We had to end things for reasons beyond typical relationship issues. It devastated me and left me feeling oddly enough filled. When i last had a conversation like the one we had with some one i just felt empty and emotionless. I feel cruel for being that way but it is who i am.

We decided to stay friends which i have no clue how to do. I tried so hard to not cry or just collapse in front of him but i'm pretty sure my stupid eyes couldn't hide my tears. We played a card game after which odd enough i found really comforting.

After a while i just couldn't take it anymore and  in a way kicked him out. My mind couldn't stop buzzing with thoughts. What are we going to be and where are we going to go? Am i going to find anyone else like him? Is it even possible to find another person as perfectly imperfect as he is? As soon as i sat in my car all i could do was cry. Every time i thought of his name or said his name it felt like my heart was jumping up in my throat in pain trying to release its self from my body.

For the past week i have been depressed and my mind still will not shut up. I want to be cruel and i want to be greedy. I want to have him back here with me but i know if i asked that of him it would make me feel ten times worse because of the possible consequences. I just want him to be happy even if i have to sacrifice my heart.

Silly thought every single country song now makes sense. All they sing about is heart break and now i have it. Maybe one day it will be better but i'm not counting on it any time soon. I just hope he is happy and keeps making the world a better place with his amazing contagious smile.